God's Grace - final thoughts?

The movie City of Angels describes angels not as humans who have died but as unique non-mortal creatures who always are and always have been around. They don't make things happen, or keep things from happening, they try to help humans get through whatever life brings.

In an early scene, a convenience store is robbed. One angel stands beside the robber, another beside the cashier, and somehow they get through it. I've always found that scene comforting. And I realized recently that it perfectly demonstrates my idea of grace. There are so many moments, days, weeks in life when I've needed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

As a friend once told me, life is imperfect because this is life, not heaven. While I don't believe in the usual Christian idea of heaven, I do agree with the view in all religions that this life, our human world, isn't perfect. I've come to like the idea that free will is what we are given, and that while it makes is human, it always makes this world imperfect, and dangerous, and not controlled by us or any divine being.

I heard this idea in another unlikely place recently--the Kevin Smith movie Dogma. The fallen angel played by Ben Affleck is upset and angry because while angels existed first, he claims humans are God's favorite, because they were given free will. The thought actually brought tears to my eyes--that the gift of free will is also what makes us so full of sorrow at times. I used to imagine that comforting hand on my shoulder when I needed it.

After my daughter's death, the shock kept me from thinking about much of anything other than that I should just keep moving, that if enough time passed, I would feel better. And for the most part, I do. But there are times when I completely, utterly break down (like yesterday in the parking lot of a store I was taking my daughter to). And when this first started happening, people were still around watching over me, or calling regularly to make sure I was OK. And after that, I swear I felt my daughter near for a little while.

Neither is the case now. But recently, I remembered what the man (pastor? priest? I have no idea what to call him) who performed the services at my daughter's memorial service told me when I asked him what he thought of the idea that it was God's will that I lose my child so young. He told me that God doesn't want bad things to happen any more than we do, and that God's will didn't kill her. God's will wasn't in that, but it was in the people who came to us after she died, the ones who made sure we ate, and slept, and who took care of my baby girl.

God's will is still with me, in the friend who sends me magazine articles that speak to her and to me, in the mother who lost her son soon after my daughter died and sent me gifts for the new baby boy, in the friend who remembers my daughter every time her daughter (2 months older tha mine) hits a milestone. The grace of God is in all those who remember her, who listen to me talk about her, who think about her, and send love my way.

On the issue of whether I believe it was God's plan that my daughter die young, I think I can say a firm NO. God--whatever you believe he/she/it is--isn't here to punish or make us suffer. Our free will does that, and it also allows us to learn, to love, and to live as human beings. God's grace (as seen through the acts of others) is what helps us through.