Birthday Countdown Again

Tomorrow my daughter would have been 6 years old. It was an age I was really looking forward to. The end of the preschooler years and the start of being a big girl. This year is different, this year I have her younger sister not only aware but also asking questions. I told her that her sister's birthday is this week and asked if she'd like to get cupcakes and balloons. She was very excited about that, and asked if she'd get to see her sister. When I told her no, she asked if we could at least call her. And again, I said no, that there aren't phones where her sister is.

Our former nanny said maybe we should just use the actual word "dead" with her. My husband didn't like that. Apparently the nanny told her that her sister is with God and Jesus, because a couple of months after they started daycare, my daughter blurted that out. Not being Christian, this wasn't exactly what I would have told her. So I'm slowly introducing my own thoughts. Telling her that her sister died honestly doesn't seem to me like it would help, because she has no understanding of that word, she doesn't know anyone who was here and now isn't. So ugh, I don't know what to tell her, but fortunately the questions usually trickle out.

Tomorrow will be a whole other challenge. I want to celebrate my daughter, and share that with my other children. But I don't want to confuse her sister, or be sad. I promised my daughter I'd never mourn the day she came into my life, only that she left it. It's impossible to look at pictures of her, videos, think about her birthday and not want to burst into tears. I don't even have a specific thought anymore when I see those things, don't necessarily remember the events when the pictures were taken. I am simply overcome with sadness. And maybe because I don't cry often, when I do now, it feels like an enormous weight.

So tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go buy cupcakes and balloons to share with my children and friends. Tomorrow I will remember the day my girl came into this world and made me a mommy. Tomorrow I will eat a cupcake and send her balloons and miss her. Tomorrow I will celebrate her birthday.