The hardest day

I turned 40 this year and had my first mammogram last Friday. I've been wanting to get one for a while, and my OB initially suggested I start at age 35 because both my mother and her sister had breast cancer. Well, I was pregnant or breastfeeding basically from age 32 until last year, so it wasn't possible.

I wasn't afraid of getting it, didn't fear the squishing of my breast tissue or even the potential results of it all. It was supposed to take about an hour, with the radiologist reviewing and giving me the results during that hour. Well, it actually took 3 hours. They did one mammogram, saw some calcification and did another. They wanted to know more, so they did an ultrasound on one side and saw a cyst, so then they did another ultrasound of both sides. After all this, I finally met with the radiologist. He showed me the results and very carefully told me that basically the next step would be to do a needle biopsy and aspiration. The results show abnormalities, and with my family history, this is the usual course (yes, I used Dr. Google to check all this out).

Within a couple of hours of me getting back to the house, a nurse had called me to schedule the biopsy and gone over all the details. I'm going in this Friday for the hour-long procedure.

I'm not scared, and that feels bizarre. Shouldn't I be afraid? I can only come back to my usual mantra of this isn't the hardest thing I've ever had to do. That day is over, and while I may have to remember or talk about finding my daughter with her soul leaving her body, I never again have to relive that day. And whatever the results, something can be done. That wasn't the case that day.

I remember in the months after losing my daughter, I thought that if I were to fall sick, or get injured somehow, I wouldn't mind and wouldn't fight. That is definitely not the case now. I have another daughter to be here for, and a son. I have many years of life left ahead of me which I have to live to the fullest to make up for the daughter who won't.

The radiologist probably thought I was crazy for my reaction (OK, sounds good, let's do it!) but I'm guessing that'll be my reaction to pretty much anything. The only thing I fear at this point is losing my other children. There are so many bad things that can happen over the course of a lifetime, many of them beyond our control. I fear that, the lack of control, and maybe a day will come when something else horrible happens that I can't do anything about. Until then, I'll just keep saying, this isn't the worst or hardest thing I've ever done, so let's get on with it.