Acting as if

Sometimes acting "as if" can get you through. In a job interview, if you act as if you're confident, then maybe you actually ARE confident. In the past 10 months, I've often told myself to act "as if." It probably happens most when I'm in a situation where I feel like I can't break down. I act as if I'm OK, and that gets me through.

At most, I often think I can only have a "decent" day, rather than a truly wonderful day. There's always the shadow of my daughter's death, all of the things she should have been here to see and do. So the most I can do is act as if.

After all these months of acting as if, I think I'm beginning to believe that I'm not always acting. What is the difference between acting as if you're happy and truly being happy? I think almost anyone could come up with a reason (no matter how insignificant) at any given time to be unhappy. Maybe we're always all acting as if.

I go, once again, back to my baby daughter. She turned one yesterday. I got more calls, emails, birthday wishes for her than I think any of us has ever gotten. I'm not sure how everyone remembered, but I do know that everyone understood that it was a bittersweet occasion. And I don't want every occasion to be that.

For now, I act "as if" and keep hoping that someday, it all will truly be. I don't want to spend my life acting, but it's hard to imagine now ever feeling anything but sadness at having lost the chance to spend my entire lifetime with my daughter.