Darkness and evil

When I went back to the house after saying goodbye to my daughter at the hospital that day, I felt evil. For the very first time, I truly felt it. The house was a dark, sinister place. I couldn't go into certain parts of it, like her room and bathroom. But at the same time, I didn't want to leave the house. My husband sat outside in the backyard most of the time leading up to the memorial. I sat on the living room sofa.

At night, we would shut ourselves in our room with the baby and sleep the oblivious sleep of the mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. We kept the door closed, and I felt as though we were trying to keep the dark evil at bay.

We stayed in that house for another 6 months. I work full-time from home. The baby and nanny are with me, but the nanny is only there for about 5 hours. After that, I was alone with the baby until my husband got home. I felt the evil envelope me sometimes. I thought I would go crazy. My biggest fear was not being able to take care of the baby.

So I would call. I would call until I found someone to talk to, about anything, to keep me anchored and keep the darkness from swallowing me. And it worked. I stayed sane until we left.

In the new house, I can revisit the memories I want, instead of having to remember the day my daughter died. I feel physically lighter. I knew I'd never be able to use her room or bathroom again and couldn't live that way. We've brought the memories with us to share with her sister, and are at the same time making a new space and new memories.