Burning the pink rose candle

The day I lost my daughter, I couldn't imagine living without her. Which meant I couldn't imagine living at all. My baby girl, she saved my life by forcing me to eat (to breastfeed her) and made me get out of bed (to get her when she woke) and I love her for that. Initially, I also resented her. Not that it was her choice to be alive, or to need a mother. I wished I could just disappear.

I've heard so many words describe parents who've lost children. Victims, recovery, survive. I don't really like any of those. Here's why.

Erma Bombeck was a columnist who was famous for her humorous columns, mostly relating to being a mom and wife. She passed away in 1996. One of her columns, written many years before her death, outlined what she would do if she could start over. One of the things she mentions is that she would burn the pink rose candle, instead of seeing it get melted and ruined.

I read the column years ago, and at the time, saw it as a push to live every day as though it was your last. Thinking about it again today, I also realized that life should be lived as though it will go on forever. Hug your friends, enjoy them, show them how much you love them. Eat cottage cheese, AND eat ice cream--do what's healthy for your body and fun for you. Burn the rose candle--what on earth are you saving it for?

Getting back to my daughter--I know that at least for now, everything has sort of a gray haze over it. The happiest of events are colored by the fact that my firstborn isn't here to enjoy them. But that isn't what I want my younger daughter to remember. I want her to feel just as important, valued, and in the end, happy as my older daughter.

I always say a child's reaction to injury is half what actually happens and half how the adults react. So I try to react to what I think is probably the greatest injury our family will ever face in such a way that she isn't left in a gray haze. And maybe someday, the fog will lift. It certainly feels better than it did a year ago. Burning a pink rose candle may be one way to bring light into the dark.