Learned Helplessness

Yesterday morning I ran a 5K, my second, both in support of the Susan G. Komen foundation that funds breast cancer research. Last night, I learned that my mother's breast cancer is back. Tonight I talked to her and she's supposed to have a mastectomy. She wants to have both breasts removed, but my father is against that.

She had breast cancer 10 years ago and thought it was all over. She wants a bilateral to avoid all those fears, all those possibilities that it could come back. My father doesn't want her to do this. Both times, the lumps were small, and the first time, she had radiation, a lumpectomy, and more radiation. Her youngest sister also had it, but her case was much worse. It required chemotherapy, mastectomy, and more chemotherapy.

My first thoughts were of that race. I ran in their honor, and to help raise money so my daughter and I never have to face these types of decisions. When I run, I feel positive, energized, like I'm doing something strong and positive.

Hearing her news, I felt weakened. I remember reading about psychology experiments on subjects who couldn't control their lives and environments. A quick Google search shows that Seligman is apparently the big name in learned helpnessness.

I used to say, things have to get better because they couldn't get any worse. But I learned over and over again that that wasn't the case. Not only can things get worse, they usually get worse in ways you would never imagine.

Now all I can wonder is, how many times will circumstance, biology, accident, chance attack me? How many times can I get steamrolled before I finally decide to just stay on the ground?

Caffeine and running. For now, those are my antidepressants. Those and other people. I foresee needing lots of all three in the near future.