Second Birthday

I've heard from some people that the first year after losing a loved one is the hardest. All those "firsts" you go through--the first birthday without her, first Halloween, first death anniversary. I made it through those. It's been over 18 months since my daughter's death, so I've made it through two of some things.

Her birthday is on Monday. She would have been four years old.

All week, I've been looking forward to getting the DVD of the movie Eclipse, to curling up on the sofa under a blanket with a bowl of popcorn and relaxing with my husband after a long November. But thinking about this last night, I remembered that I had planned to start movie nights with my daughter when she turned three. We'd never really let her watch TV until she was over 2, and even then she was never all that interested. But a movie night, my girl sitting on the sofa with me and her dad, I thought that was something she would enjoy. The first movie I planned to show her was Mulan, because I think of that as one of the more...feminist Disney movies.

She never saw it. We never had a movie night. Thinking about that got me started thinking about all the other things she hasn't done.

Lately, I've been worrying about my toddler trying to get out of her crib. She's never actually tried, because it's just not her nature and also she slept in a sleepsack until she was around 15 or 16 months old. My older daughter climbed out of her crib at 15 months and again at 20 months. That was one of the reasons we moved her into a bed a couple of months after she turned 2. In my mind, that is one of the reasons she is no longer with us.

I don't know what to do about her birthday. Because it's on a Monday, I'm not really planning anything on that day. Knowing how I feel now though, we may end up having to go to dinner just to distract me. Friends have offered to be here on that day, or whenever we want. But I just can't even figure out this year what I want to do.

I don't want to observe it, because she's not here. She's not getting any older. She won't be here to blow out a candle, see the balloons, or open presents. I can't do nothing though. I have to acknowledge and celebrate the day she came into the world, as I always tell others they should do on the birthday of someone they love.

The conflict and confusion I feel is tearing me apart. I'm exhausted from the events of the past month, year, year and a half. Right now, I'm just hoping I can once again hang on by my fingernails and make it through the day.