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I know I haven't posted in quite a while. It's not that I haven't had anything to say but rather that everything is churning around in my head and heart again. I cried every day for 2 weeks starting on my daughter's birthday. Then I got to a point where I felt like if I kept falling apart I'd never be able to pull myself together. That's not good for me or the baby I'm now 10 weeks along with.
Yup, that's right, a new baby is on the way. We were "trying" but it was a bit of a surprise because it happened in a month when I was gone for quite a while. This baby is due towards the end of July. I didn't find out the gender the first two times, but this time I think I need to know, to prepare either way.
It's been so hard, the emotions I have anyway coupled with the hormonal turmoil of being pregnant. I actually feel much better than I did in the first trimester of my other two pregnancies--less moody, not quite so exhausted or hungry, and still able to do everything pretty well (I never get morning sickness). But seeing pictures of my daughter lately has been really hard. And I keep imagining how it will be when this baby is born. There are pictures of me in the hospital last time, sitting in my bed with my firstborn, who had come to meet her new sister. I picture doing all that again, but with two different children, and I feel absolutely ill. There should be three children in all the pictures starting after mid-July of 2011, but there just won't be.
I went to see the latest Harry Potter movie the other day. Towards the end, a character is killed. I've read all the books and knew that would happen, but somehow I just couldn't stand to watch Harry holding this character in his arms as life slowly fell away. It brought back so many memories of trying to save and then saying goodbye to my daughter. I was crying and crying at the end. We sat in the theater for a while, then went out to the car and I broke down again.
As always, I somehow pulled myself together by thinking about my strong, feisty toddler who has demanded my mental and physical presence throughout everything. My husband I both have lots of pictures of her on our cell phones, and we shared those and talked about her.
I feel almost as though I have to think and talk about my firstborn less to get through this pregnancy. But when I do, I feel worse. Maybe I just have to accept that this is going to be hard, that I can't control the hormones any more than any other emotions, and that I might again be very sensitive for a while. I knew this would be tough. I didn't quite realize how, though.
There's nothing like a baby. Just smelling my girl's hair still brings a sense of instant peace.
Mixed emotions are no surprise during this time, but I am sending you a wish that joy is able to shine through, especially during this beautiful season--congratulations and best wishes for a happy and peaceful new year.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, you're at 10 weeks!!!! That is good. Blessings on you and on your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, all the new-pregnancy + grief stuff.... Blurk don't it suck! I wish I had some wisdom for you. As you know, denial and detachment is working OK for me here at week 21. Here's what I think of the pregnancy + grief experience so far:
-It's a masterclass is paradox.
-It's emotionally holding your breath for 9 months.
- It's hard and it's intense.
Looking forward to reading future posts from you about how it goes from here.
RE your comments about feeling obliged to think and talk less about your precious elder daughter, I was wondering what your spiritual beliefs are about her these days, about if / how she continues to exist? I don't know what I currently think about our deceased daughter, but I feel that whatever way she continues to exist she would sort of be in favour of us trying again for a baby. It doesn't make logical sense, but what does in this situation?
I hope your Christmas was tollerable. Wishing you continued good health. Doffing my hat from a distance to your enormous courage in risking your heart by trying for another baby.
Toaster, thank you, and I hope you're having a peaceful holiday season too.
ReplyDeleteSophia, your bullet points really sum it all up. My latest dilemma is clothing. I got boxes of stuff from some moms I know, and that was great. Also went through some clothes I have (just bigger sizes, no maternity stuff yet) and was a little stressed at seeing the things I was wearing when my daughter was still alive. I'm still sort of afraid of all the memories the actual maternity clothes will bring.
I still don't know what I think about my daughter's soul, what happens after we die. I think for now I've decided not to think about it! But I will post sometime this week about another way I've been thinking of her and my now 20-month old daughter.
What you say about risking my heart is absolutely true. Hope you had a good Christmas too.