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I am EXHAUSTED. Today is turning out to be harder than I thought it would. I've had a headache the past two days, thought it was because I went for a longer-than-usual run that wore me out. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep and eventually found myself crying, missing my girl and being sad that she wasn't here for her birthday. When I stopped, I realized my headache had gone away and a weight had lifted. I didn't sleep well, woke up several times and kept having trouble going back to sleep.
Today is dragging by. I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to face this day, this day of her without her. For the first time, I posted a message to her on my Facebook page. I've avoided it because I know some of my "friends" aren't aware of what happened and I didn't want to answer questions. This year, I figured either they could ask or they probably wouldn't and I could use the support. But every time another message is posted, it makes me sad again. Sad that all these people are wishing happy birthday to my "angel" or "in heaven" as in, she will never be any older.
Last night I was thinking I planned two parties for her. One was at the house, and was supposed to be outdoors. It rained that day and we ended up mostly inside and trapped on the patio. The other was at one of those bounce house places. She was only two and it was expensive but she absolutely loved it.
I told my daughter last night that her sister's birthday is today and asked if we should get balloons and cupcakes. She seemed excited. Then today my husband told me that she was awake when he got home around midnight from work. She asked him about the birthday, told him she misses her sister (not entirely true because she never really knew her) and eventually went back to sleep. She hasn't said anything yet today. Honestly, I'm dreading having to talk about it.
The plan for tonight is to have dinner with our former nanny and her husband, have some cupcakes, and send my girl some balloons. And now I'm dreading even that. Why celebrate someone who isn't here? I keep telling myself a birthday is for celebrating that she came into my life. Today it's so hard to separate that from her having left it.
The past 3 years, we celebrated with friends whose daughter was my daughter's best friend. They moved away 6 months ago, so that's not an option. Another friend who was so supportive lost her own son a year ago and obviously isn't around in the same way. I miss both of them.
I can't figure out why this year is hard, but as another angel's mommy said, some years are just harder and there isn't necessary any reason why. Tomorrow is a full day, I have to go out of town for work, then am leaving the children with a new sitter so I can do a mom's night in at another mom's house. Right now even all of that seems too much. I didn't think I'd come to this again, when just getting up and starting the day would be hard. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better even though I really don't know. This weekend was planned as a regular series of days but it turns out it might not be.
In past years, I wrote something about my daughter to remember her and want to do the same. I have no idea if these are repeats, so forgive me if they are. I have only 2.5 years (little less) worth of memories so I'm bound to run out eventually.
When my daughter was a baby, my husband would dance while carrying her to the bathroom and sing "We're going to the spa, we're going to the spa." Neither her brother nor sister got the same dance or song. We had a landscape crew that would come mow the lawn and trim all the bushes. My husband would tell her "the guys" were coming, so she always called them "the guys." It sounded so funny coming from a 2 year old. While she loved animals, she was mean to plants and would roam around our big backyard ripping flowers off various plants. She did the same at other people's houses. She had balloon radar, and once on a trip to visit my family, she spotted (or sensed) a giant red balloon from at least a mile away while heading to a shopping center.
Happy Birthday to my big girl. If you were here, I would give you the 6 red balloons your daddy bought, sing to you, and have the best party ever.
Thank you for sharing from your heart Pratima. I'm sorry this year has been so much harder...it's not something we ever get over... we just do our best to get through and we try to help others along the way. Be kind to yourself...give yourself grace and the time you need to do or feel whatever. Prayers be sent up throughout this day and especially now. May those red balloons fly high.
ReplyDeleteThere will always be some days--whether birthdays, other significant dates, or just completely random days--that are harder than others, sometimes seemingly without reason. Don't be so hard on yourself; losing your first-born is reason enough to feel sad, regardless of the occasion. You already know that there WILL be better days, but it's okay to still allow yourself to experience the full depth of your feelings now and again.
ReplyDeleteHope that you have started to feel better as this difficult milestone has passed; thinking of you.
Sometime within the past few months, I told a friend I wish I'd put my fist through the wall like my husband did when we found her, or that I'd broken down more during the memorial service, or at the hospital when we said goodbye (I couldn't even cry at the hospital) because now it was too late to do any of these things. She told me it would never, ever be too late to mourn for her, not today, not years from now. I realized she was right, the grief is always there. I keep thinking I'm past some part of it (and probably am, I don't have daily flashbacks or the overall brain fog) but obviously I'm not past every part. I don't believe we grieve in set stages. We go back and forth, revisiting parts of it over time.
ReplyDeleteToaster, I do feel better. I had so many things planned in the couple of days following that I almost didn't have time to think about my grief the very next day. That's probably a good thing.
Even Elisabeth Kubler-Ross didn't believe that grief was in stages (her theory had to do with terminal illness; it was only later that it was applied to grieving). Yes, you probably have MADE it through some aspects of the mourning process, whereas others are more ongoing, and some may even be yet-to-come. But that is exactly why it's always okay to grieve, whether it takes the form of anger, tears, or whatever.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, though, I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. :)
Yes! I remember reading the article about that. I do wish someone would come up with an alternate model, someone who'd actually experienced it. Realistically, grief is different for everyone, and influenced by so many factors.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that, as always, i am in floods of tears reading your article. I so want your daughter and my son to have birthdays like every other child and realising thatbtheir birthdays will never be normal makes me feel so helpless and sad..
ReplyDelete