You are my sunshine

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take
My sunshine away.

I used to sing that to my older daughter all the time. The day I lost her, I became unable to sing it. It seemed like a desperate prayer, that last line. I couldn't bear to sing it to my new baby, who I thought of as a survivor, like the survivor of a plane crash or some other horrible accident. Which I guess in a way she is, we all are.

Then one day, I realized I could sing the song. That maybe it was a prayer, and so I sang it. I tried to be brave, but even now, thinking about singing it, I get weepy. But I sang to my girl, I sang loud and strong so the world would know that I'm still in love and still love being a mommy.

I've started singing a different version of the song that makes me feel a little better.

You are my peanut,
My little peanut.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Oh my little
Peanut's here to stay.