No more dreams or nightmares

I'm back home after being out of town for several days. It's a relief--I have my baby back in sight and am at least a tiny bit less anxious. But it's also a disappointment. I realized this morning that resuming my routine means it's reality. I can't imagine that I'll come home and both my girls will be here.

I didn't even realize I was hoping that until this morning. My husband asked why I would imagine that, and I told him because I WANT to. I WANT that to be reality.

Being away made reality attack me, but it also made my imagined life a possibility. I guess when you're not home, it can almost be whatever you want it to be.

In the movie Akeelah and the Bee, Laurence Fishburne coaches Akeelah to win the national spelling bee. He's an odd, isolated character in the movie. It turns out his young daughter died years earlier. He says at one point that he needs structure and predictability. I didn't realize what he meant until I went away. The lack of structure made my thoughts go haywire.

Returning to structure and routine are, well, somewhat disappointing. But leaving reality isn't an option (not to me) so given a choice, structure and routine are the best form of reality I can hope for.