What the Body Remembers

I think this is a title of a book. It's come to mind many times in the past few months. Initially, everything reminded me of my daughter and her death, and everything upset me. After a while, it was the predictable things that upset me--a pair of her shoes that hadn't been put out of sight, seeing a mother with two girls--and then I got used to those. I was able to brace myself.

Now, I don't always know what will upset me, what will remind me of her or her death. I do know that it's not limited to one sense--sight, sound, etc. I was at the therapist's office a couple of months ago. The therapist had me doing a relaxation exercise where I tensed up each area of my body and then released it several times. When I tensed up my neck and shoulders, I suddenly remembered that the day she died, my neck got really stiff. And suddenly, I was back at the moment when that happened.

I almost stopped and said, I can't do this. But I wanted to try, so I stuck with it, tried to focus on the instructions, and it passed. Now I know that even though I felt numb at the time, I experienced her death, that day, everything with all of my senses. And that explains why I can be doing almost anything and suddenly burst into tears. A sight, a sound, a smell, the way the air feels on a cool day can remind me of her or that day.

I've gotten one piece of great advice from my counselor to help pull myself out of those memories. Focus on the present, by reciting facts like my name, the date, my address, and if possible, touch something and concentrate on that texture. It really helps.

What I still haven't figured out is whether I'm supposed to keep pulling myself out of the memories. Sometimes I do let myself go with them, until I feel such despair that I fear if I don't stop remembering, I will literally go insane. I do at least know that it's not always conscious. I have to live my life, and I can't avoid anything I fear might bring up memories. I don't even know what all of those things are.

The good news--my body also remembers holding my girl, when she was a baby, a toddler, and a big girl I had to hoist above my pregnant belly which held her little sister. Sometimes I forget those things too, but pictures and video of her help. And at times, even that makes me sad, but holding on to her in these ways is never a bad thing.