Back under the bus

A good friend of mine was run over by a bus several years ago. She was about 7 and a half months pregnant at the time. She has some hearing loss, various aches and pains, and other physical scars from the accident.

I admit, I never thought about the emotional scars she has until I lost my daughter. This friend has been there for me in ways I never imagined anyone would. She seems to know just the right thing to say when I call, unable to speak because I'm crying my eyes out. This is because she's been there, experienced loss and trauma.

I am, I believe, on a relatively even keel most of the time these days. There are obvious things that can upset me--seeing a picture of my daughter, seeing a little girl who resembles her but is here while my daughter is not--but for the most part, I'm able to steel myself against these assults.

Every now and then, something happens that I'm not expecting and can't brace myself against. Yesterday was such a day. I was working, and got a phone call that upset me. I just couldn't distract myself and get back to work. I called my friend, and several others, and finally the first friend called back. And of course said the right things.

I told her I wasn't sure why I was upset. I don't avoid my feelings, it's just easier to at least be able to pull them out and examine them at a semi-convenient time, hopefully when I'm alone or with someone I trust. She said I'd been going along with my day when suddenly this was thrown at me. In her words, I was "back under the bus."

I've learned from her that gradually the assaults on my senses and defenses--flashbacks, sudden breakdowns, wanting to scream--will decrease. And they have already, I feel much differently than I did a year ago. But every now and then, something comes at me that I'm not ready for and don't know how to handle.

My friend has told me a few times that every now and then, someone or something will remind her of the accident and suddenly, she is back under that bus. I understand that feeling. Sometimes it's more like a train--I wait for it to end but it just keeps coming and coming and I can't make it stop or get out from under it.

Distraction. Sounds like a bad thing, but really it's not. Yes, I do experience my emotions and go with them at times. I don't believe I'm supposed to get lost in despair though, and that's where distraction comes in. I talk to a friend, play with the baby, go for a walk, clean, just do something to get my mind moving. So far, it's helped.

I hope someday to get to a point where nothing puts me back under the bus. I doubt that will ever happen. Knowing that the occasions will at least become fewer and farther between does at least give me something to look forward to.