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I belong to a few different (formal) groups. These are groups that have semi-regular members and meetings, which I joined years ago. One group is entirely online and consists of a forum in which I'm actually a moderator.
I've been avoiding these groups in various ways. In the online group, I've become a lurker. I'm still listed as a moderator, but I don't post or moderate anything. The two local groups I would say I participate in minimally. I see members of the groups outside group events, and I do go to occasional group events. I realized recently that I go out of my way to only participate in smaller group events though.
It's almost as though I fear being in a large group. I have this strange idea that I have less control over the conversation and not knowing what will be brought up makes me nervous. At one group meeting recently, we were discussing a book that most of us in attendance had read. The story was about a boy whose twin sister had disappeared, father had left, and mother was living in a haze of drugs and alcohol provided by a local bigshot.
The other women there were mothers, and all agreed that they could see themselves turning into that mother. I felt...crazed. I am living that life but have not taken that path. I did speak up and say that if that mother had one friend who had told her to clean herself up, get out of bed and take care of her son, she might have had the strength to do so. It was so odd though, everyone there acted as though I didn't know what I was talking about. I can't even describe why I was uncomfortable, I just was.
I tend to speak less than I used to in group gatherings. I know it's partially because I just have less to say--my input isn't that important on many topics. And it seems to take a lot of energy to speak.
So overall, I avoid groups, and speak less when I'm in them. And if anyone asks "How are you?" I wonder, do they really want the answer? These days, I mostly say, "I'm doing OK" or "I'm hanging in there." Which is true, I no longer feel like my skin may fall off my bones from despair. But even when the salesgirl at Target says "Have a good evening!" I still think, "How can I? My girl is still gone."
And this type of thought is what has led to my fear of commitment. I want the freedom to be sad if I feel like it, to be happy if that's where I am at the time. It seems there are certain people and particular situations in which that's possible. The circle I'm comfortable in has widened over time, but it's certainly not what it used to be. I suppose it's a slow expansion which will never quite take me back to where I was.
I think that's OK--I'm not that mother who kept her daughter's room completely intact, like a museum or like I was forever waiting for her turn. Nor have I done anything destructive to myself or anyone else. I realize I could still go crazy, often wonder if/when I will, but if limiting my exposure to people, places, etc. helps me get through the day, then hey, so be it.
Of course you are allowed to do whatever you need to do, whatever you feel is helpful to you.
ReplyDeleteBut ARE these things helping you--or are they isolating you? Perhaps there are some aspects from your life "before" that you truly don't wish to resurrect--but are there other aspects that, as you yourself suggested, you are simply "avoiding"?
Sometimes we're not completely honest with ourselves; we tell ourselves that we are taking care of our own needs when we are really doing just the opposite, perhaps due to sadness, anxiety, fear, or exhaustion.
It's interesting you ask. I had a therapy session today, first one in about a month, and mentioned this to my counselor. She said that for the past year, I've been expressing feelings, not necessarily processing them. And to get through each day, I often have to put whatever comes up on a shelf, and I don't always come back to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm avoiding several things, I believe. Judgment is what came to mind when I wrote the post. I want to tell people in two of those groups about losing my daughter--most of the members wouldn't know. But I don't want to be judged. I've done plenty of judging of myself and that's what makes me suspect the others in the group might do the same.
That's probably my biggest fear. Aside from that, one group's meetings are an hour away from my new house, and only on Monday nights. It's just too much to go up there now after work--an hour drive each way and at least 2 hours of being there.
The other group, I am participating more in recently. I do tend to go to smaller gatherings, but am planning to go to a bigger one in a couple of weeks. The last time I did, I hated it. I'm going to try it again though, and see what happens.
It's hard, I know. It sounds like you realize that there is this next step that has to be taken yet fear the outcomes. And undoubtedly--as you've probably already encountered and as Sophia can probably attest to--there are ALWAYS going to people who judge you. But sometimes there is no way to tell the difference between those condemning you and those supporting you until you take the emotional risk of putting yourself out there.
ReplyDeleteWhile I have had strong feelings of shame, I haven't had many experiences of feeling judged, and I imagine that feels absolutely horrid. However on a lesser note, I do know very well people's eagerness to find a loop-hole to our situation, some little facet of the story they can cling to so they can tell themselves that what happened to us could never happen to them! I think for some people there is a part of them that wants to believe that if they are careful and smart and alert, their children definitely will not die before them. And at a subconscious level, it is easier for them to see me (or our doctors or the midwives) as being at fault than it is to have that belief challenged (I like the stuff in 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People' about this). So sometimes if I am telling the story of our daughter's life and death I can sense a listener sniffing through the particulars for some way to distance themselves from what happened to us, and half the time I don't think the person is aware that that is how their behaviour comes across. But to be fair, I have found it much harder to live in this new reality, where I have to live with the knowledge that sometimes kids die no matter what we do, no matter how careful the parents, no matter how good the health care. If I could go back to seeing things like I did before our daughter's death I know I would, and knowing that helps me not to get too angry with people's automatic (and sometimes insensitive) questions about the 'what ifs'.
ReplyDeleteAs for going back into groups and activities, it is so hard to pace it isn't it! I find that I might be doing OK at the start of the week, I arrange to catch up with friends later in the week but by the time I get to the end of the week my energy levels and mood has changed and it's a real struggle to get out the door. I have always been a gregarious sort of person who is comfortable in groups, but that is different now. It's almost like I've needed to learn basic social skills again from scratch. The strategies I am using to keep myself able to be in big groups are probably ones you are already using. I aim to just show up and I give myself permission to leave any time after the first 20 minutes. For me, even if it's a reasonable trip there and back, it is still a success if I manage to stay 20 minutes. I go to social events with 2 topics already in my head so that I can initiate chitchat on (being back at work makes that easier). I try to make sure I am standing next to someone I know even if we aren't speaking. I try to keep an eye on what I am comfortable doing socially, and then just stretch myself a little bit past the comfortable level. I dunno though.... I'm also aware that there are a lot of people in the community who are uncomfortable in bigger groups and simply NEVER put themselves in group situations, grief or no grief. And not all of them have miserable lives despite that restriction.
Even though I held a big birthday party for myself recently I still often find it hard to front up to big groups. Like you say, all we can do is keep showing up and see what happens. Thanks for the post.(Sorry for prattling comment, stupid ear nose and throat virus on board).
I'm probably just being spacy, but what's the 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People' you're referring to? I think it was an article I linked to a while back. Is that it?
ReplyDeleteYou know, I hadn't thought about that--giving myself permission to leave after 20 minutes. The one group I mentioned (hour drive each way) is then understandably too much for me right now. I tend to have very high expectations of myself, and I keep expecting to make that long drive, sit for 2 hours, behave as I did before, etc.
When Bad Things Happen to Good People is a fairly well-known book on grief written by Rabbi Harold Kushner about the loss of his son:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1281997129&sr=1-1
He does write from a religious perspective, but a mostly non-denominational one. It was originally published in the 1980s.
Interesting, I thought I'd read something from that, but I just did some searching and this is what I'd actually found: http://judaism.about.com/library/3_askrabbi_o/bl_simmons_murder.htm I emailed the link to a friend a while back. I'll have to check out that book.
ReplyDeleteThat excerpt sounds pretty similar to Rabbi Kushner's perspective in his book.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking more about what you said about your fear of being judged. Several blog posts back, you mentioned disappointment in family members and how they've responded since your daughter's death, so I wonder if that's where your fear of judgment is stemming from. But, you also stated that these family issues existed BEFORE your daughter's death. So, wouldn't the same thing be true for those who were SUPPORTIVE of you before--i.e., assuming the members of the groups that you are involved in were supportive to you before, wouldn't they be more likely to still be supportive of you NOW? It would be unfortunate to miss out on these potential sources of support if they are available.
I've been thinking more about it too. The fear of being judged, I feel, comes from the fact that I judge myself. I've let go any idea of being able to control what happens (in many situations). But other people don't see that way.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is, I feel like in most cases, full disclosure is possible before I can really participate. I'm comfortable when the group I'm with knows my whole story. It's easier, especially if my daughter comes up. The therapist told me I should never feel as though I can't mention her. Reality is, there are times when it just doesn't feel right, and then I want to just not be in that situation.