Speechless shopping

I was telling a friend recently that I feel guilty for not talking to my toddler more when I take her out. Some of it has to do with not wanting to upset the apple cart--if we walk into a store and she's fine, then I'm not going to do anything to change that. If she's fussing, then I'll talk to her, show her things, find a way to distract her.

The other thing is, stores are full of things I wish I could show my older daughter, things she never got to see and never will. I'm literally rendered speechless as I look at the volume of things she never will see. And then I look around and see so many children, moms with their daughters, a little girl with her sister, and I'm even more stunned.

I don't know why this is happening to me now. I get so sad and so angry when I go out. It's worst when I'm shopping, because I see so many things, and so many other parents with children. If I'm at a restaurant with friends or family, then I'm occupied, and while I do think about the foods she never got to eat, the experience is somewhat more limited.

The past few weeks, I've actually come out of stores nearly in tears and/or enraged. I'm not angry AT anyone. But I admit, I often look at parents and think, "Why do you get to have that child (or those children) with you while my girl is gone?"

I have no solution, no way to overcome this feeling. For now, I try to focus on my toddler, to show her as much as possible, just as I did with her older sister. And maybe it's mostly in silence, but I'm trying.

And I remind myself that anyone looking at me would never know, might look at my toddler and think the same--how come I get to be with her, while their child is gone. It's a reminder that I never know what others have been or are going through. A reminder to be compassionate and kind, to myself at least, and to others when possible.