Predestination and forgiveness

I've often believed things happen for a reason, that there are no coincidences. People will tell you so, especially when it's something BAD that happens--a promotion you didn't get, first date who never calls again, a house you make an offer on and lose to a higher bidder. The intent usually is to convince you that it wasn't within your power to stop the bad thing from happening.

It is true that in life there are many things humans can't control. But if there is such a thing as predestination, God is a cold, cruel entity. This isn't the exact line, but captures the basic meaning of a passage from The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society. It captured my eye right away. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that. I tend to agree with the idea.

If you believe things happen according to some sort of divine plan, then it is easy to let go of things you can't control, to forgive yourself when things go wrong. But to me it's impossible then to believe in a kind, loving God. It doesn't matter if somehow my daughter's death results in some sort of good. There is to me no personal evil worse than what I felt the day she died.

I have managed to forgive myself for the things I could have done to prevent her death. It was an accident, and like any other accident, the result of a series of random occurrences and circumstances that if minutely altered could have meant a different ending. In a similar vein, it's difficult for me to believe that losing her and all the pain my family has suffered in the months since was someone's intent.

It's easier for me to believe that there are forces in this world that we can't know or understand. Various things happen for various reasons. Maybe there is a partial plan, but there are also free will, circumstances, and the actions of others. The butterfly effect--one little thing done differently here in the U.S. can change what happens to a random person somewhere in China. I tend to believe that's true.

So, maybe some things happen for a reason. Other things just happen. We have to release and forgive ourselves.

About God--I've never believed in God as sort of an elevated human (in accordance with many religious traditions). I can't imagine anything resembling a person actually controlling things, holding the reins of all of our lives. I tend to believe in some sort of energy that exists in the world, something we can't see, hold, or describe.

My ideas about how and why things happen, randomness plus plans, I suppose they fit with my idea of "God." Which apparently I know feel the need to put in quotes, because many people might read this and object to my...blasphemy? Not sure. It seems those of strong faith can manage to renew it even upon experiencing evil. Some lose their faith completely. I'm somewhere in the middle--my faith was vague at best, and while it's somewhat clearer now (as far as my ideas about how/why things happen) it's also even more vague with respect to the details.

Forgiveness--you have to forgive yourself. And to me, part of that is realizing that I really can't control everything, can't control MOST things.