Randomness

While I was traveling last week, I started reading Rabbi Kushner's When Bad Things Happen to Good People. He lost his son to progeria when the son was 14 years old. I've read about half the book now, and it seems his view is that contrary to popular belief, God does not control absolutely everything. There are random occurrences in this world, good and bad, and something like a child dying can be considered one of these.

Initially, I liked his idea. I hate thinking that my daughter was supposed to die young. I can't stand believing that God meant for her to die in a horrible accident, or that I was always meant to live my life without her. But I'm a bit unsettled by the idea of a God who is not all-powerful.

If you watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, then you're familiar with the character called Q. He is omnipotent, can be anywhere, anytime, and do anything. I always thought of Q as sort of a god. He is, however, not always benevolent in the way we believe God to be.

All I can think of now is that we are supposedly created in God's image. Well, which part of his image is that? Is God sometimes mean? Is he not omnipotent? Is he forgetful? I don't know. I guess I need to read the rest of the book. I'm curious to see how the rest of Rabbi Kushner's explanation is laid out.

It does in some way agree with the few things I've come to realize on my own. That we do have free will, that some things do happen which probably aren't according to any plan but are instead the result of that free will, or circumstance. The part I have trouble with though is that then what role does God play? What am I supposed to have faith in? A God who keeps me strong through any horrible thing that happens?

I saw a wall hanging recently that said something like "Grace is not getting what we deserve, and getting that which we do not deserve." It made me angry. Did I deserve to lose my daughter? What part of that whole tragedy did I not deserve? Faith, grace, these are ideas I continue to struggle with.