Reboot

I've known a couple of people who've lost children, one just before and one just after I did. Both couples went to Europe just afterward. That wasn't an option for us, but we did travel cross-country and stayed with my family for a couple of weeks.

After my daughter's memorial, we had visitors for a few weeks. My brother stayed with us a few extra days, then we went and stayed at a vacation home owned by some friends for a few days. Then my college roomate came to visit. She had planned the visit months before, intending to see the new baby and help with my older daughter. She extended her stay by a few days and got us through that tough period. All of these activities helped fill up time, keep us from sinking into dispair.

Then for a couple of weeks, it was just us. In our now-quiet house. My younger daughter was about 3 months old, and still slept a lot. We were so used to having a 2 and a half year old around, taking her to the park, to see friends, we didn't know what to do with ourselves in our empty, quiet house. So we went to visit my family, and when we came back, I started work again. I had been off for 12 weeks--6 before her death, and 6 after--all technically maternity leave. It was a strange few months, but somehow traveling helped make the adjustment.

As I've posted before, losing my daughter was like being swept off the path I was on and being dumped on another, with no way to even look back at the old one. Getting away was, for me and maybe for the other couples I mentioned, sort of a reboot. It cleaned the slate in some tiny way, allowing me to stand up on the new path and continue on.

Four days from now, my daughter will have been gone for 16 months. I'm feeling weary. I haven't cried, had any flashbacks, or felt the rage I had a few months ago. I'm just tired. I do all the "normal" things--work, participate in social activities, take care of my toddler, and so on. But I know I have a diminished capacity. I'm a little slower at seemingly everything, and there are many things I just let slip by that I wouldn't otherwise.

I'm wishing for another reboot, something that will give me a new burst of energy. After my daughter died, and the business of her death (memorial, people in our house, etc.) was over, I felt like I almost literally had to pick up my family and keep moving. I feared if I didn't, I, maybe we, would all break down and never recover.

So in a way, I have been running, carrying at least my child and perhaps my husband with me for a long time now. Through it all, I've had this feeling of disbelief (denial, I suppose) that I know just can't go on forever. The disbelief of losing my daughter has changed into disbelief that I am living without her, but it's almost equally exhausting.

Outwardly, I doubt anyone who knows me or sees me would know I'm exhausted. Honestly, even finding time for me (working full-time, with a toddler and a husband who's in school and working) is a bit of a task. And of course I do EVERYTHING with the shadow of her death over me, over every thought I have. How do I escape it? I don't know that I can. I suppose it's like a diabetic who is always diabetic. Medicine helps ease the symptoms, but they're always there.

I could use some rest. Any ideas?