Daydreaming

When I was young, I daydreamed about boys. Then I got married, and daydreamed about being in Hawaii, where we spent our honeymoon. Since losing my daughter, I daydream that the horrible, terrible day went differently. I daydream about waking up, getting her ready and spending the day with her the way we were supposed to.

When I'm working, I daydream that she'll be waiting for me when I'm done. When I plan to meet a friend for lunch, I daydream that I'll have to have my husband watch both girls. I daydream about taking both my daughters out--something I never got to do because when she died, I was still recovering from my c-section.

I'm sure if my firstborn could speak to me, she would tell me not to dream about her, that I should have other dreams for myself, my baby girl, and my husband. Maybe someday my dreams will expand, but for now, all I can think about are the what-ifs, would'ves, and should'ves.