Stages of Grief

If you've ever taken an introductory psychology class, you know that most people believe there are 5 stages of grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Denial is the obvious one anyone will experience first. "This can't be happening." You may also know that people don't just go through the stages one at a time, or only once.

Instead of stages, I've come to think of the experience of grief as a spiral. When loss happens, like when a loved one dies, the world shrinks down to a tiny pinpoint that consists only of that loss. And you go deep into denial. The way your body puts you in shock determines how you respond.

For me, shock meant being almost shut down. I'm normally a very outspoken person of action. When I went into shock, I could barely move. I couldn't cry, couldn't scream. I slowed down more and more to the point where I nearly passed out. I was told my blood pressure probably dropped.

Eventually, you're forced out of that tiny spot. Or you experience serious mental illness, I would think. You move from denial to one of the other stages. But not always right to anger. I think I was depressed first. Then angry. It took more energy to be angry.

Gradually life began to expand for me again. I had a baby who needed me, even as I was grieving her older sister. Being the breadwinner for our family, I had to work. And slowly more of the world came into view. I had to exercise to get strong enough again to carry the baby as she got bigger. I had to sleep so I could focus at work. And so on.

But I keep walking the path of grief. It keeps spiraling outward, like the yellow brick road in the movie The Wizard of Oz. I move away from the pinprick of pure pain, yet I will always be walking that path. And up ahead, I can see others who are walking it. Sometimes it's hard to see anything besides the path below my feet, but other times, I'm able to look up, and look around, and see what else is around me.