Anticipation and anniversaries

On the anniversary of a happy occasion, you remember the occasion, try to recreate the feelings, and are excited to be celebrating again. On the anniversary of an unhappy occasion, well, I suppose you mostly try to pretend it's not that day.

Objectively, I know nothing will happen on the one-year anniversary of my daughter's death, May 21, 2010. But subjectively, I'm anxious, and I find myself remembering the events of that day and the week or so afterward, when I was just trying to get through each day without losing my mind. And as I've said before, this time I'm doing it without the cushion of shock.

I had a session with my counselor today. She asked me to revisit some of those memories, to just let things come up. It was horrible--I was right back there, reliving everything. When I think about my daughter, remember things she said and did, places I took her to, I'm watching it all like a movie. The good thing is, my counselor had me envision the events as though I were watching them on a stage, and I was able to remove myself.

That doesn't take away the memories or change what happened, but as she's told me before, it helps make them more like a black and white movie instead of color. I still have the feelings, but they're not quite as intense.

I have to get through the next two days, and then it will be May 22. I will be safe.