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I realized today that neither my parents nor my in-laws called, sent cards, or even mentioned the anniversary of my daughter's death. My brother-in-law did call, as did many of my friends. All I can think is that it's easier for them to not think about it. As I wrote previously, what I wanted was for my daughter to be remembered. It's painful to think that they don't want to remember her. I know for my mother-in-law, the memories lead more to the painful ones for now than the joyous ones.
And I think maybe that's what grief is for. If you can grieve, a little at a time, in whatever way works for you, eventually you can come around to those good memories and try to put those into their own suitcase. I believe that's what therapy and the company and understanding of my friends is doing for me. My mother-in-law put away all of the pictures of my daughter after her death. She doesn't like to even hear her name because it makes her sad.
It makes me sad to think about pretending she never existed. I'm not going to force our families to talk about her. They are of the generation (and perhaps cultures) that don't believe in talking about things. Just hide it and move on. But that's not me. So I'll let it go. Friends are the family you choose. My chosen family did call, did talk, and for now, they're the ones I'll remember her with.
Sometimes people are hesitant to mention the loss to the grieving person; they fear saying the "wrong" thing, and so unfortunately, they sometimes make the poor choice not to do anything at all. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they have forgotten; it may just another example of how those who care about you might not know how to help with your emotional healing--unless you tell them.
ReplyDeleteOh, believe me, I've told them. The truth is, even though you would think such an extreme event would change everyone it touches, change is to a great extent a choice. Our families haven't changed. And I've stopped expecting them to.
ReplyDeleteThe part that's most sad in all of this is it sounds like your family DID change in some ways (i.e., your in-laws took down your daughter's photos), but maybe they DIDN'T change in the ways you would have chosen (for example, perhaps they have returned to "normal" routines more than you'd like, which is maybe why they didn't reach out on the anniversary of your daughter's death).
ReplyDeleteBut it all goes back to the Serenity Prayer, doesn't it?
Well, knowing my parents and in-laws, I would say it crystallized who they were to begin with, maybe even made them MORE who they already were (people who don't talk, hide things, etc.).
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, it is all a reminder that the only thing I can control is myself.