It takes a village

It takes a village to raise a child, according to an old African proverb. It's true--raising a child is much easier when you have help. I learned this when family and friends came to my aid the day my firstborn died. I still had a baby to care for. I had mostly taken care of her on my own, with the help of my husband and a nanny, since all our family lives out of state.

That day, I could barely take care of myself. Both my girls were breastfed, and the younger was even more resistant to a bottle (even of expressed breastmilk) than her older sister. So I kept nursing her. When she'd get hungry, whoever had her would bring her to me. I'd nurse her, then hand her off. She'd sleep happily in the arms of a female friend or family member, or nestled against the chest of a man.

I felt bad for not being there for her for many days, but grateful for all the help. With that, I realized that it's taken a village to raise me, too. Well, not raise me, exactly, but to get me through the day.

Keeping busy has helped me keep going. And I kept busy by talking to other people--on the phone, in person--we were driving and flying all over the place for the remaining weeks of my maternity leave. Once it was over and I went back to work, I still needed others to get me through the day. I couldn't travel, but was still on the phone, got emails, and visited people often.

Now, nearly a year later, I still think it takes a village. To raise a child, and to get through life. It's harder to say we need that unless we're faced with crisis. But once you are, if you can ask for and accept help, I think your chances are that much better of getting through the tough days.

A friend told me early on that I should just let others know that I needed to be told what to do. Initially, that was completely true. I had to be told to get dressed, to eat, to drive somewhere. And now, as I approach my daughter's death anniversary, I'm feeling that need again. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's odd for someone who's so self-directed, independent, and capable to ask others to tell her what to do, but I'm fine with it and even looking forward to it in some ways.