The day after

A couple of people asked me what was the worst thing that could happen on the one-year anniversary of my daughter's death. Initially, I would say reliving the event. Then I realized that I actually fear something else bad happening on the same day. I have another child, and my worst fear now is losing her.

The night before, I had trouble sleeping. I wasn't upset, and didn't have trouble falling asleep. I woke up at the slightest sound, however, and couldn't fall back asleep. Oddly enough, I wasn't exhausted in the morning.

On the first anniversary of my daughter's death, I got tons of phone calls and emails. During the day, my daughter was here, along with the nanny and her boyfriend. When they left in the afternoon, I did feel a bit strange, but phone calls kept me company. When my daughter woke up, we left the house. In the evening, friends brought dinner over and kept us company until bedtime.

I thought I would want to pretend it was just any other day and hope it passed quickly. My worst fear was that I would remember all of the things that happened a year ago and in the weeks that followed.

On that day, I realized my worst fear was that no one would remember all that had happened. I want my daughter to be remembered, and I guess I want others to remember all we went through (together). For me, that means she will never be forgotten.

Thank you to everyone who called, emailed, and thought about us yesterday. We made it, and I couldn't have done it without you.