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Several months ago, a man who'd lost his teenage son told me that one day, I would feel guilty for not thinking about my daughter. He's right. On the rare occasion when I find myself doing something mundane and not feeling the intense pain, I suddenly feel bad. I also feel bad sometimes having fun with my baby. After all, how can we have fun when we're missing someone so important, and lived through something so horrible?
The other reason I feel guilty is because I fear she'll be forgotten. I've already forgotten her. Not the little things she did or said, not the way she looked or sounded, but the true essence of her. After she died, we tried to keep the smell on her clothes, in her sheets, but it eventually went away. It's the same with her essence--who she really was, what it felt like to hold her--I remember these things, but can no longer conjure up the feelings at will.
How do you get rid of the guilt? Well, the man told me one other thing, probably because he realized that I would one day need to know. If my child could talk to me, she would tell me not to feel this way. She wouldn't want me to feel bad at all (she actually cried when she thought I was sad) and she wouldn't want me to keep from having fun with her little sister.
I'm human, and I can't help feeling sad or guilty. I do try to picture my daughter talking to me, and I'm pretty sure she would try to make me smile. And I do, as much as I can.
Just because we grieve it does not mean that we can not live. I live my life this way. Sometimes, I laugh and I feel guilty for being happy. I will not deny my life becuse of my grief. I can be happy, sad and angry. I am still am greiving mom no matter what I do.
ReplyDeleteAllow yourself to feel everything. I have one of those wall signs "Live Laugh & Love".
I am open with my feelings. I tell people when I am happy or sad. I have very hard days and days when grief is not a monkey on my back.
Max Lucado wrote a book called "Traveling Light". Grief is a bag that I pick up everyday....somedays it is heavier than other days.
Enjoy a moment every day. Laugh once a day. Hug someone you love for more than a minute. Live. Love. and Laugh.
Karen, I love this line: I will not deny my life becuse of my grief.
ReplyDeleteI told a friend, just after I lost my daughter, that there will always be sadness, but that doesn't make the happy things any less wonderful. My baby girl crawling, saying "Mama," my husband bringing me flowers on Mother's Day.
Hi Shakti, Thank you for your blog. I am a first time reader and I love the simplicity and openness of your writing. My daughter died 4 1/2 months ago aged 3 days, and I have also experienced a lot of guilt, in my case centering on thoughts of 'My body killed my baby". What fascinates me is how uncomfortable people around me can be with my guilt. To me it is just another difficult emotion that's part of this awful experience. My guilt doesn't freak me out any more than my anger or my enormous sadness or my disbelief etc etc. I've never tried to pretend my guilt is logical; it's just a strong difficult emotion that's part of the grief, like all the other strong difficult emotions. To some people around me though it's like my guilt is taboo. I have been known to direct people around me to read pg 14 of this booklet: http://www.sidsandkids.org/wp-content/uploads/AlwaysYourChild.pdf
ReplyDeleteAs for feeling guilty about sometimes feeling happy, I also have moments of that and like you I try to imagine what our baby would say to me about that. It still hurts though. Wishing you ever increasing peace on this long hard road we are walking, Sophia from Australia
Hi Sophia. I wish you didn't have a reason to find this blog, but I hope it helps you. I would say all the strong feelings associated with a child make some people uncomfortable. They'd rather avoid strong feelings altogether and hearing yours makes them face the feelings.
ReplyDeleteThe information you linked to is really good, not at all SIDS-specific. I'll share that with others. I think even the friends who've supported me and haven't lost children would get something from that.
One other thing--I think there's a specific guilt tied to my being the mother. For a while, I kept thinking that my body could create and sustain life (gestation, breastfeeding) but couldn't save her in the end. I wonder if other mothers feel this way.