Faith

As I approach the one-year anniversary of my daughter's death, I find myself again considering questions of faith and a higher power. I'm not religious, though I do consider myself spiritual. There were times in my life when I thought for sure there was a higher power watching over me. At the same time, I believe the idea of "Thy will be done," as opposed to "My will be done," the idea that things are happening as they should, not necessarily how us humans want them to be.

I guess I'm at a point where I need someone to lean on, and I don't believe there is a god there for me. I'm scared--it's tough to keep busy these days, my mind goes back to the day I lost my girl. And I'm not sure I can bear the memories of that day and some of the days that followed.

I try to keep busy. That's always been my approach. Someone told me recently that the loss of my daughter is my baggage and that like a literal suitcase, I can choose when I open it. I think that's what I've always done, and honestly I'm relieved that I've been given the permission to do so. I sometimes feel bad for choosing not to remember that day. It seems as though I'm choosing not to remember her.

So faith, I guess you have to have faith in something, or someone. It's so hard to do when everything you thought was real has been yanked out from under you. I guess for the next month or so I'll be trying to figure out what to have faith in.